PWD Chronicles: Watch and Learn

Answering the question: "HOW ARE YOU?" can really be so exhausting at times so more often than not I find myself saying: "I'm fine!" and my insides just scream the painful hell out of me saying: AMALAYER... hehe...

I don't look sick...
but you don't look stupid...
looks can be deceiving... http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

I hope those who truly care for me may take time to watch this video to further explain what: "I'M FINE" really means to me... Apart from having Epilepsy, Muscular Myotonic Dystrophy, Degenerative Disc Disease, GERD and a fatty liver, I also happen to suffer this Chronic Fatigue Syndrome... I am not posting all these for pity... I don't need it... I need your prayers... nothing more, nothing less... I don't need judgement, I am bound to face the final one (we all are, anyway)... just please allow me to enjoy life while it lasts...

 

I DIDN'T GET THIS BECAUSE I LACK SLEEP... IT IS THE OTHER WAY AROUND... I LACK SLEEP BECAUSE I HAVE THIS... FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO RATHER THAN SPENDING TIME SURFING THE NET... IT IS THE LEAST PAINFUL/DANGEROUS THING TO DO WHEN YOU ARE HANDICAPPED, WELL THAT'S WAY BETTER THAN CRYING & CURSING THE DAY I WAS BORN, MIND YOU...

 

Despite all these, I am grateful for my life... 

my pain and/or the people who want to put me don't can't make me feel otherwise...

God is good!

He makes all things beautiful...

In HIS time...

PWD Chronicles: Fly me to the moon...

Ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to explore the world... I wanted to be a flight attendant so I can earn while I'm living my dream...

I've always wanted to travel...  to see new places... to meet new faces...

but God has other plans...

After a college degree, a marriage degree and a kid, I still tried my luck...
degree = check... 
height = check...
face = DOUBLE check (just kidding)...
vital stats = TRIPLE check (pagbigyan nyo na)
skills = ?HALA!?!??!?! "swimming skill" is a must for a flight attendant...
dun pa lang BOKYA na... I never learned how to swim (because even as a child, I already had this muscle sprain -pulikat- my reflexes were very slow to respond given that I was hyper active pa at that time... back then, I thought it was just an embarrassing thing... now, science has got a name for it "MUSCULAR MYOTONIC DYSTROPHY"-soshal na pulikat/pamimitig ng laman-laman... Now, that explains why I was never successful with girly Chinese garter tricks without getting wounded because I would usually trip & fall face first on the ground as I hopped... hmmm... kaya siguro ako na-'pango'... sabi ko na eh, I have this feeling that I was born with a perfectly-pointed nose but those frequent accidents might've caused my misfortune hahaha...

Growing up, I was able to go places... my parents were self-financed missionaries who spread the word of God to the poorest of the poor---... so I got to travel... but not really the kind that I have dreamt of... it's fulfilling though... I just wished I was able to document those mission works... we went places, gathered experiences, name it... (I'll try to get some photos-if there are still anything left of it)... so I told myself, "this is living my dream the noble way"... hmmm... di ko naman kasi na-mention kay Lord na gusto ko pleasure travel sabi ko lang gusto ko magtravel... that mission work didn't last long coz my father passed away even before he landed to his dream mission trip... THE HOLY LAND... he got financed by a philanthropist who sends preachers like him as tourist guides to the HOLY LAND but before he was able to fly, he was diagnosed with Liver Cirrhosis (which is now very clear to me - having the same symptoms due to excessive meds my fatty liver is also acting up- Tatay got his cirrhosis from the chronic liver problems brought about by eating whatever was served during his mission works then... my Nanay would usually scold him for that but she wasn't able to stop him from showing the people in the mountains/depressed areas that he was one of them... his immersion tactics led him to heaven's gate if I may say so... My Nanay would rather have us and herself starved to death than eat food that she didn't prepare-kaya siguro buhay pa kami)... so in short, my travel dreams died with my father...

Being married to a homebody made my dream to travel a luxurious FANTASY that could only happen when I am asleep and since I'm an insomniac, ALAM NA... impossible na talaga... during our first few years as a couple, he would rather buy food, sit back and relax at home than go to the mall to see the movies... given that he is a movie buff, he would patiently wait for his movies to be shown on TV rather than making short trips to the movie house... mind you, we didn't have cable pa then so waiting was like forever... gladly, we both landed a job in the film-making industry, so we got to have free movie passes from time to time... PAMBIHIRA NAMAN KUNG DI PA KAMI MAGMALL diba... I never got tired of praying to God, asking Him to give me the chance to see other places apart from the usual workplace, our home and the places in between... hahaha... True enough that when you pray with the purest intent, He will grant your wish... I was able to go places... thank You, Lord! pero may mali na naman sa prayers ko... sabi ko kasi "LORD, SANA KAHIT MINSAN LANG PALABASIN NYO AKO NG PILIPINAS"... so minsan nga lang... hehe...

Given all the answered prayer, multiple entry visas, the 'moohlas' to travel... I am here... UNFIT to travel... immobile... (thank God, my upper extremities are still cooperating though-oops, wag nating batiin baka maki-join sa pagha-hibernate ng legs ko)...

Can you just imagine how someone who loves to travel, someone whose only dream is to explore the world she lives in feels like when she cannot move her legs given her strong will and unkaboggable youth... it is beyond words... it is insanely absurd... ironically frustrating... but life has to go on... taking those small steps at a time is always better than lying on the bed... getting somewhere is already an answered prayer... short distance walks without pain really make me smile... long distance road trips make my heart shout for joy... and having those moments with my boys captured in photos makes me sing praises... having friends and family who understand what I am going through and reading/hearing/seeing those affirmative gestures of hope that I will be better again already make me feel heaven down here on earth...

I am forever grateful...
I am very much alive...
still breathing...
and hoping for a clearance to travel by plane (aba at talagang umaasa pa ah... OH YES, hope is the air that I breathe...)
And yes, those supermarket trips I usually do alone whenever I feel like it has become an addition to our family bonding activities... I can now have my husband join me inside the fitting room every time I go shopping for clothes... you see the perks of being God's favorite child/PWD-Persons With Divine love... He has got His reason, I am enjoying each season... to date, it is the season of love and unity... because I am never alone... I got nurses - one in SKYPE (virtual Nurse Jill), one on the phone (phone-a-nurse-Eva) and a doctor in the house (Dr. House aka Mr. Big)...

now, my hands are kinda asking me to rest... til my next kwento...

PWD Chronicles: Seizures (I'm sick, no doubt)... cease yours (coz those doubts you can live without)...

At 33, I have witnessed two of my batch-mates die of serious illnesses, one with a brain tumor and the other with cancer... they were both fighters, but they succumbed to their illnesses in such a short span of time... When a "once young" fella (like seventy-ish...++) die of such conditions we would usually hear people at the wake say: "He/she lived a full life... he/she had served his/her purpose... he/she accomplished his/her mission"... but when someone 30ish die, it is just shocking... Unfortunate... sad, sad story... Why? are short-lived lives unaccomplished?! but what if they have lived it to the fullest?! who knows? Apart from being sad about their passing, I became wary coz I have not been health-conscious for a long time... what if something happens to me? how will my boys carry on without me? I was anxious that I wanted to start the year right...

January of this year, my husband and I started with a cardio-something program at the gym...
Towards the end of my first session, I felt some kind of numbness-turned-tiredness-turned-painful cramps all over my body... I ignored it thinking it might just be a natural physical reaction cause I was "exercise-less" for a long time... I opted to ignore the pain as it worsened hoping it would go away as soon as my body gets accustomed to the exercise pattern... but after two weeks, I had a partial UNMOVABLE - UNCONTROLLABLE body (it was a battle between feeling nothing-as in numb- and feeling excruciating pain). I had it checked at a nearby mall-clinic (as I have this "hospital"-phobia)... they gave me several lab tests (blood stuff-xray-physical, etc)... then the Doctor prescribed painkillers but to no avail...  prescribed stronger painkillers... again to no avail... those pills even gave me more pain and allergies... for the 'nth' follow-up check up, my doctor gave me steroids for pain so I can sleep at night... steroids kinda cheated the pain coz it made me focus on my blisters, swollen gums, bloated face etc... in short, my condition got worse... I thought I can live with the pain and somehow get used to it... but I thought wrong... two consecutive seizures got me so scared that I found myself seeking for a second, hmm... actually, 3rd? opinion... I was referred to a Internal Med - Cardiologist at the best hospital in our country... so back to square one... blood test, Holter-monitoring twas a cool stuff, etc blah blah... all the lab results were clean and I am as healthy as a horse... PRAISE THE LORD!!! Ok... that being my state of mind, I started ignoring the pain and lived the way I used to... mind you, with the excruciating pain getting worse, I almost wished to join  my Tatay as he rests in peace... day by day, I was becoming emotionally weak as my body got weaker and weaker at that time... My soul was willing but my flesh was so weak... it was frustrating because my beloved husband's birthday was fast approaching and much as I wanted to go to the mall to get him something, I was too weak to care... thank goodness we're living in this electronic age... 212121 just gets everything done in a jiffy... who says an immobile like me couldn't make a big surprise?! hehe... no matter how strong my faith was, my body says otherwise... my husband could no longer bear watching me like that so he researched and found doctors who would best figure out what causes my symptoms... 

A set of Neurologists - Neurosurgeons... An Ortho... And a Psychiatrist (just kidding)... after running some serious tests like Cranial, cervical, spinal MRIs ; EEG, EMG, EMG-NCV; etc etc they found out that I had a post encephalitis-something (get ready to drown with medical terms here hahaha)...
Let's cut it short, so to date:  I have an Epilepsy (EPI-caused by a tiny brain tumor -> causing the seizures), I also happen to have a Muscular Myotonic Dystrophy (MMD- congenital- but late onset) and the one causing the pain - I am suffering from a Degenerative Disc Disease- Spondylosis -Cervical Spinal Stenosis (DDD- is a natural condition if I am 60-ish but since I am 30-ish it is an abnormality)... Given all these, when people ask me how I am or why have I been checking in-&-out of the hospital lately, I instantly get tired just by thinking of how to explain my condition... so I'd often answer like this :"ETO... wish ko lang FLU sakit ko, madaling gamutin, madaling i-explain at lalung lalo na madaling i-spell haha---lahat ng sakit ko madali sanang gamutin kung hindi sila nagsabay-sabay kasi yung solusyon sa isa-ikamamatay nung isa-pagmay ginamot kahit alin sa kanila lalala yung iba...waaaaaaaahhhhh!!!"... it's not a sarcasm... I wish there's a term or more like, words that would not sound alarming but could explain my condition well... after months and months of suffering from these conditions, I still can't find a better way to tell my story...  I'll try to find time to explain each of my condition in layman's term in my upcoming blog posts... Just an update: my fatty liver is advancing its way to create a scene as the lead role but my GERD/Heartburn is making sure it still holds the title being the most sensitive case of all times...

To this day, I am still in denial about the severity of my condition... I am keeping the faith, faking the pain, playing hide and seek with hope... I am in the process of making the most of what is left for me (how ever long or short that may be)... Living life one day at a time is in itself rewarding because when you know that you may be gone anytime, you will have no room for the unnecessary-YOU WILL DO NOTHING BUT GOOD DEEDS... I am coping with all the emotional stress that came along with this challenge... My boys are trying to make this fight as fun as ever... my family, friends---those who have personal knowledge of my condition are worried sick as hell but they are keeping my spirit high... Living with physical pain is already sickening, being "literally" sick is far much worse but having people wanting to see you bounce back to your old healthy "YOU" makes each day bearable... thank you guys!

I can't blame those who couldn't believe that I am terminally ill... coz I myself DON'T hehehe... I can go on and on with stories about how uplifting and/or depressing those disbelief had made me feel for the past months... (again, I'd also reserve that for my upcoming posts)... Mind you, being sick and choosing to stay on the bed can be literally FATAL... so sharing the itsy bitsy stuff about it may be helpful or may be harmful as I have to go through the details again... but then again, what is there to lose anyway... I'd write, shop, talk, dance, sing, cook, glide and most of all, TRAVEL while I still can... for what it's worth, this is the time when I have to go beyond the limits of medicine... when the doctors tell you that you have incurable diseases, you can either die of sadness-self-pity-sorrow or you can happily live life to the fullest... I chose the latter... 

I'm not giving up without a fight... I am struggling with fate along with my faith for my boys because each day I only get to choose between less painful and painfully-numbing-pain... so on my less painful days, I join my friends who never get tired of dragging me out of bed, bringing me to places, throwing instant parties in my honor haha... it is beyond words when people make you feel very important especially when you have nothing to offer to them except a little "thanks" with a matching smile... my goodness, this has been quite a battle... I don't have an idea where and how this is gonna end but allow me to share my journey with you... It is not morbid to plan about that special day when all these would come to its final rest... It is scary, it is sad, it is uncomfortable but hello, I'm still alive... and kicking... allow me to fight with passion and fashion... I will discover myself more and more until my last breath and I will do it with style... with a smile... and a grateful heart...

GOWY Journal # 4: mono-TEA-ny

After dilly-dallying for quite a while, I have finally decided to write about my latest (mis)adventures... ;-P

While I was trying to get my hands-off the laptop, my thoughts just keep on pushing me to grab it and write my day's story... I must admit, I miss writing but I just couldn't find the words to begin with...  forgive my indulgence, my rusty hands are trying to come up with something...

Ever since we got back from Baguio (for a short weekend trip last Feb10-13), my husband and I have been talking about our next trip... food trip, that is... strangely, it was his idea that we try new places to dine-in... anyone who knows my husband can tell that he is not really that adventurous when it comes to food... he could eat at McDo all his life and would not mind it at all... but maybe, being married to a "PICKY-EATER" (translate: anything she picks, she eats... haha!) he really had developed an appetite relative to mine over the years... lately, he's been addicted to milk teas, he'd taste different flavors each time and convince me to do the same but I always prefer being faithful to anything choco + extra pearls... he is so engrossed in it that he would post it on his FB wall to show me (since we don't have mms features on our phones)... It's all about MILK TEA (new flavors, yes... different places, yes... but it is one and the same MILK TEA... my goodness)

 

To break the monoTEAny, I decided to search for a place where he could reunite with his first love (Japanese food)... Since it was his birthday we were going to celebrate, I wanted it to be somewhere he has not gone to yet... BUT since I was not "physically" well, the place had to be somewhere near... Being allergic to anything raw, it was really a challenge to find a Japanese restaurant... making it more difficult, it has to be NEAR & affordable (it's a must coz it's my treat)... That search led me to this old place near Makati Cinema Square (where my Father used to bring me to watch movies-I wonder if it's still there)... All my efforts were rewarded when he got off the car and saw the place... He was like "MAY GANITO PALA SA PILIPINAS?!"... and in my mind, wait til you get to see what's inside... and the rest of the story could be summed up by just looking at how he took all the pictures... he was in awe... and well, the food deserves another entry...

 

  

THE UNFORGETTABLE SAKE

THE BIRTHDAY BOY

I must say that next to Kenji Tei (my favorite ramen house), this is gonna be the best place to be at when you crave for anything Japanese... we will definitely come back...

just so when I thought I broke the monoTEAny, he dragged me to find a place where we could grab some milk teas... oh no! not again! but then, it was his birthday... so off we went to a nearby mall (where he also bought -more like-> ordered his birthday toy) to get this milk tea thirst quenched....

Happy Birthday Boy @ Happy Lemon

The Birthday Boy buying his birthday toy

This has been a photo overload... it's a special post anyway... til my next... XOXO...

GOWY Journal #3: I love you just the way you are...

I am still at a loss for words...
uhm... you know the feeling when you are so much in love... uhm....

nakatulala ka lang maghapon---hahaha...

I wanted to write a special post for my Mr. Big but he hates the drama...kaya wag pilitin...
so let me just flood you with songs that brought and kept us together all these years...

Babe/BOB/Kape/Ry/Lablab/Daddy/Bebeh koh/My Mr.Big,

Thank you for loving me just the way I am...

I also love you just the way you are...

Advance Happy Birthday, Babe!

Your Babe/BY/Tsaa/Bangbang/Mommy/Lab/Bebeh moh/Your Carrie

GOWY Journal #2: All's well that ends well

Boy meets girl... then they fall in love... get married... have kid/s... woohoo... lovelovelove...

NAH! it's not always like that...

sometimes it's mumbled jumbled hahaha... they'd have kids so they'd get married... lucky if they'd fall in love along the way but sometimes boy would meet another girl then TADAH!!! It's the end of their story... haha

Getting married is the sweetest thing of all coz it implies LOVE LOVE LOVE... it is when two people decide to be together for the rest of their lives... Being married is an awesome experience as well coz it's about LOVE, LIFE, LOVING LIFE, LIVING IN LOVE, it is when two people are enjoying being together, sharing dreams, making them come true and then when reality bites ---> staying married becomes the toughest of all...  one truth about MARRIAGE: everyday is a LOVE-LIFELONG TEST that you always have to pass in order to "STAY" married... a very complicated thing to explain but actually a simple matter of "compromise" between two people...

Been married for 16?! uhm 14 years (legally), I have learned so many things... like there are times that "YOU SAY IT BEST WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL"... people who know me can tell that keeping my mouth shut is like death waiting to happen... I can go on for days without food but without the talking NAH give it an hour then check my pulse---IT'S GONE! but guess what, wanting to keep my marriage made me sleep through the day because "TALKING MY HEART OUT" could mean my husband losing his job because his focus is on me and my angst... REMEMBER: it's just a matter of time/timing... I never said I won't talk about it... I'm just saying, I finally learned to delay talking about it... so that's two birds in one stone: I learned patience and silence... things I never thought I would ever learn in this lifetime... hehe...

My husband came home with a Chocolate cake and a bottle of Coke-two things in the world that would absolutely make me SMILE no matter how bad things may get-... (darn! he knows me so well)... but since I made it through the day without saying a word, I kind of felt challenged to keep it that way longer... then he went crazy and told me "GAGAWIN KO ANG LAHAT NG GUSTO MO MAGSALITA KA LANG PARANG AWA MO NA"---

 nuninuninuninu (I was tempted to say I wanted a bag or a pair of shoes---coz that's how petty naman my angst was about---but you know, being married to someone you truly love makes you feel strange to ask for things you don't really need/want-hmmm may valentine's day naman eh hehe) besides, I only wanted his time (which is actually more precious than those bags and much more costly to ask of him)... true enough, he gave me what I wanted---HIS TIME... he said "babaw" things I wanted to hear... SOLB!!! but most of all, it's the keeping quiet the whole day then somewhat making him frantic with worry that sort of made me "awwww, he loves me talaga" kilig and really made my day, there was this sense of accomplishment on my part... I can't remove the smile on my face for a job well done (keeping mum, that is)... I wish he could just read my mind... it felt good to hear him do all the talking... hah! (another thing about love -in general- you cannot keep that heavy feeling in your heart for a long time... matagal na ang one hour especially when you let it out agad-kaya nga ako si LET IT OUT AGAD QUEEN EH... on the contrary, that's what I learned today, it also goes off naturally when you keep quiet... you don't feel mad anymore even without the "I'M SORRY YOU GOT MAD-IT'S ALL MY FAULT-I WON'T DO IT AGAIN-PROMISE" dialogue...)

Now, I can say that love can really teach an old dog some new tricks... it's never too late...

GOWY (Growing Old With You) Journal #1: Sleepless nights

Oh, I still remember how we first met... his smile, his eyes, the clothes he was wearing, the smelly cap, the Khumbela backpack and the dirty Converse shoes he was wearing... EVERYTHING... I remember how I told myself that meeting him up was totally a wrong idea and was not supposed to happen ever again... haha... that first was followed by a second one... it's on the 2nd when I noticed even MORE reasons to "not" like him... then a third and so on... but guess what, the things that I didn't really like much about him were the same things (I think) that bound us together... and made me fall in love with him... over and over again... OVER!!! on the other hand... NAH wait, let's not talk about the things he didn't like about me at that time... that'll be a long list I suppose... (lucky me, he's too busy to blog about it hahaha!)

So what's with all these reminiscin'... funny how we think of the things we never thought we'd do for love but we did...

People who are close to us (meaning those who get to sleep with us-in one room-) know how my husband snores... HE LITERALLY SLEEPS SOUNDLY! haha... I never thought I would actually learn to live with it... but I did... I developed a not-so-ordinary pattern to compromise with his snoring... you see, couples compromise to keep the marriage and the family together... when he sleeps I mean SNORES, I take it as my signal to start my night shift... I do my chores while he sleeps... (years ago, I tried to sleep through it but I never actually had a successful one at that)... then I take my turn to sleep when he leaves for work in the morning... So I'm basically a graveyard shift... a lot of people tried to talk me through correcting this... you bet, I tried... WE TRIED... but sleeping pills just make me useless during the day... I tried keeping myself busy the whole day so I'd be dead-tired once we get to bed but believe me, his "snore" can wake me up even when I'm in a coma...  but as doctors/older friends/relatives/and everybody else would put it "ONE DAY IT WILL TAKE ITS TOLL ON YOU"... I know, I know... and that one day just came when I turned 30ish... I get weaker and weaker each time... migraine has become a frequent visitor since then...

so enough for the background...

My husband had it checked already and I learned what he has to go through to get rid of it and I am just not comfortable with it... it's like this, I can bear the sleepless nights, the migraine and all but I cannot bear having him go under the knife...

Now, there's this funny pattern that I'm kind of hating but I know the "hating" part will soon pass so here it goes...

He lets me sleep first... successful!!! But I wake up in the middle of the night because of the trembling sound of his snore, it's too loud that it causes the bed to shake... so I get up -gently- so he wouldn't notice then I do my chores and then go back to bed (pretending) to be asleep so when he wakes up he won't get upset that I didn't sleep again... I don't know how long I can keep up with this new set-up... what I know is that I don't want him to risk anything for me... he already gave me his heart and soul, there's nothing more I can ask for (naks!)-ang arte ko daw sabi lang ng doctor aalisin tonsils nya hindi naman daw heart transplant... but if you could just see the look on his face when he saw the procedure via youtube... halos mag pass-out sya... wala na syang kulay...  trivia: my husband can bear any emotional struggle, name it, he can handle it with a smile but show him a needle, a gauze with matching alcohol, believe me, LIBRE ANG LUHA NYA...

Now, call it whatever but that's how I love what I hate about him and that I hate that he loves me so much he's willing to do what he hates the most to get rid of what I hate about him that I have learned to love through the years... haha... baka nga hanapin ko pa yun kapag nawala... it has been my music for 15 years now... so upbeat that it can make me workout hahaha... I agree when he told me that we are not really getting any younger and that nature is taking its toll already so we really need to do something about it but I'm still waiting for God's reply on this matter... ;-) til then, I'll enjoy playing the "sleep-cooking, sleep-eating, sleep-surfing" game...

MOMents Journal #1: I would if I could coz I should

Being a Mom makes you do the impossible and it brings out the best in you...
like reaching for the moon and the stars seems so easy to do...

When you're a Mom you always see things through because that is your way of saying "I love you"...
In your mind you'd say "I WOULD IF I COULD" but your heart always says: "I SHOULD"... next thing you'll know "I'VE DONE IT, DUDE!"...

Funny but when you think of the things you can do for your child...
trust me, you wouldn't care if you'd go crazy or wild!

Motherhood is not a noun... IT IS A VERB!!! (full of actions!) haha...

SOLOtude Journal #1: Everyday-work & play-

This is how "EVERYDAY" looks like...

afternoon delight

See how I balance work and play... half of the table talks about me "working" my ass up reading (that very tiny book you see there... is it even visible? but it's still a book nonetheless haha), surfing (that's what I do a lot ;-P), taking/making phone calls (that's why the Big guy gave me a sturdy headset last Christmas... or else I will be frequenting the hospital for some meds on stiff neck and ear stuff), oh yes, planning (I do a lot of planning-hence, THE PLANNER... well, this year I look forward to implementing some if not all of those)... and you see half of the table says HOW BIG MY APPETITE IS -and that part I call "playing"... and that's just for snacks... you wouldn't want to see how I pamper myself with a hearty brunch which I take around 1-2 pm every single day... I learned quite well how to balance work and play (haha)... work a little and eat a lot... that's life!
(Oh by the way, you see that little table ohvahder? that's Chocho's, it's empty coz she's not here with me now... but when she's around you'll see a mini version of my table, less the food of course coz I don't want Barbie getting all the sticky stuff... she uses her Oppa's iPad for her FB and "youtube"-ing hahaha)


Life doesn't really have a formula... like, when you do this or do that you are guaranteed a happy life blah blah... nah! that's not how it works... It's how you see it... I have often get curious questions like 'WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY? SLEEP?", "DON'T YOU EVER GET BORED?!"... Trust me, those simple questions can get to as deep as "WHAT WILL YOUR LIFE BE LIKE WHEN -LET'S SAY- YOUR HUSBAND SUDDENLY LEAVES YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN!?!?"... I think about those things... when I was younger, you bet,  I think about it A LOT but I just grew tired of waiting for that one night he'd come home and tell me, "Hey, I'm leaving you for another woman!"... so I decided to just let it slip away... I'm taking each day at a time, enjoying what today brings... whenever I get anxious, I pray... whenever I get insecure, I pray more... whenever I feel bad, I pray until the feeling goes off... I don't know much about the scriptures, uhm... honestly?!?! I stay away from it because it makes me miss my Tatay more... unfortunately, my Tatay had deeply engraved God's words into my soul that no matter how I try to ignore them, they still keep on playing on my mind telling me how things should be...) mind you, the greatest of all was his last few words to me: YOU MARRIED A GOOD MAN SO JUST BE A GOOD WIFE AND A GOOD MOTHER... straight forward, simple and plain! MY MANTRA... well, it's according to God's words, to say the least... it compliments my husband's ideals... it's my father's last words... what more do I need to research on having a perfect beautiful life... you see, life doesn't have to be perfect... who defines perfect anyway? well, for me, this is perfect... I am happy with how things are... my husband and son are happy that I AM HAPPY... the people who matter to me feel as happy as I am because I AM HAPPY... isn't that perfect enough?!

To you from me with love: In life, there are really no standards to meet... Gauge your life according to how you feel inside because you cannot cheat yourself and only YOU can tell YOU the true feelings that you have beneath those smiles... Happiness is being at peace with your own self... (syempre ang funny naman kung kaaway mo pa sarili mo eh iisa ka lang although it's healthy to do self-examination and self-limiting once in a while- in short, paminsan minsan pagalitan mo rin ang sarili mo hehe)... Solitude is the greatest gift one can give to oneself... It's the greatest gift I have ever received (from myself)... trust me, it can change the world!

I thank God for my husband who -in coordination with God and my parents- gives me this kind of life... a taste of Heaven on earth... a place where I can be just as I am...

Lion King Journal # 1 : The"King"troduction

* This post is dedicated to my LION KING family. Having several groups of friends can make one post a big mess so let me start by saying that I will be writing about everybody but I will just have this one first...

Okay, let me introduce to you the cast of my LION KING family... dyaran!

Pumba

First is Pumba (not her real name): hmmm how do I start describing her?!?
well, I guess if you've seen the movie of the Lion King then my work will be a lot easier coz we pick the character that would fit each of our personalities... She's PUMBA in every sense of the word... with her, everything is simple and plain... a problem-free philosophy HAKUNA MATATA... she lives by it... a person who always gives the benefit of the doubt, the open arms when you feel left out... an angel with no wings (mabigat daw kasi abala lang)... not only that, she also makes "you'll-forget-your-name-when-you-taste-it"-liver pate... (what's my name again!?!??!)

Simba

Next is Simba... uhm... well, she's a mixed character of Simba and Scar (nah! in short, she's the star and the villain, the yin and the yang, the positive and the negative coz believe me when I say, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER and she's not denying it)... I am actually inspired to write different books about her... a dictionary perhaps... a joke book... a know-how guide... name it, coz EVERYTHING is really about her... to site a classic example: One minute you tell her a secret, the next minute she goes freaking the hell out how Pumba knew about that secret when in fact she's the one (for crying out loud) spilled the beans in the first place... and everything just ends with a rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-script: "di talaga well coordinated ang bibig at utak ko... minsan naglalaglagan sila... minsan nga di na rin ako kinakausap ng sarili ko at minsan wino-walkout-an din ako ng sarili ko" haha... no wonder why most of the bloopers are about her... ikaw ba naman ang iwanan ng sarili mo eh... She's the underdog, the villain, the director, the writer and even the talent coordinator of her movie and even ours too... on the other hand, we don't oppose the idea of her EIAM personality coz we totally agree that she's a total package, having her wouldn't give you room to ask for anything more...

Timon

And last but not the least, (well, you always have to save the best for last...)... Pave the way for (drum rolling) --->TIMON! (ehem) That's me... I've got lots of nice things to say about me but let's save that for another post haha... I love everything about the Circle of life... especially having Simba and Pumba in it... they have created such a circle where I can be free to be me... haha I'm not saying that I am not free to be me with my other friends... it's more like they're the ones who really don't care how worst I want to be "me"... with them, I am careless, tactless, stupid, selfish blah blah and they still love me (or do they?!)... parang ganto: they had me at my worst but they love me like I'm the best... naks! John Lloyd lang!?!?! No standards to meet but you just know the limit and you don't really dare abuse it...

This circle has made me feel like a child again (walang pressure gamitin ang brains kasi wala namang expectations)... after almost two decades (napaghahalata ang edad) of knowing each other, we have found a place in each other's heart (amp! masyadong malalim) where we can just sit still, relax and enjoy and just leave whenever (kahit walang abiso)... it's like having another self times three... (hala math ba yan? uwian na!)... this blessing doesn't come along everyday that's why I always thank God for them every time I pray... He gave me more than what I deserve...

 LION KING... It's more fun in the Philippines... 

 (waaahhh! ad ng DOT)

(Looking forward to writing a more serious entry about this wonderful circle)

Pahabol: (wow talagang "pahabol"-makes sense coz she's always "humahabol" lang whenever we meet...) There's another character in this circle, Mufasa, she's as equally important as Simba's father in the movie but just like the real MUFASA nakikita lang sya ni Simba sa reflection at sa dreams... lumaki si Simba sa piling namin ni Pumba hahaha... I may be able to write a longer description about her when she gets to spend longer days/nights with us... so til then, she'll remain as the character with a special participation... (atleast special, kami nga nila Pumba at Simba regular lang without egg pa...)

Mufasa

It's past my bedtime so I guess that's about it for now... til my next post!

I'm back... (for good)

Solitude is happiness for one who is content... INDEED!

I never stopped writing... I just kept it private...

Now, I'm back... to share... my beautiful life...

I owe it to God who made everything so beautiful... to spread His goodness and grace!